My Bones Ache in Heat

I stood, hunched
Over the kitchen sink and
The fleshy pit of a mango and
Everything I have feared to say.
The nectar smudged my chin and
Swam down my wrists,
Melting my pores and filling
my
Hollowed-out bones with summer
ache and I looked
Out into the storm that was
coming
That was making the air smell of
The empty wardrobe in my grandmother’s house,
Still full of
My grandfather’s clothes.

In the coolness of the kitchen
I cannot bear the weight of the
space between myself
And him anymore.

I stand and remember all the ways
A soul can burn.

– Mariela PT


Four years ago today (the 18th of April), I lost someone who was very, very dear to me. My grandfather always helped me keep my heart soft; made me want to be a better person. I miss him a lot, every single day, really. But I know that he still loves me, and that helps soothe a bit of the aching.

xxx

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My room’s decoration has remained pretty much the same since it was redone almost three years ago now. The map that you see above my cushions (thanks, frankie mag! It’s so pretty!) has been there for those three years, and I love it because of the accurate size of the countries. My mum originally pointed it out to me: that the United States on this map is smaller than it appears on most other maps – and this size is much more realistic. After she highlighted that, I started noticing the USA on other maps and realised how ridiculously large it is too-oft depicted. Anyhow, I digress.

The map has been there for a while. The (mock) ‘prints’ (that I did myself, using a 0.6mm Artline 210 pen), however, are much newer. They’ve probably hovered above my head for just short of a month, now, and they are sets of affirmations covering different aspects of my life that I sourced from Rachel Gadiel’s beautiful blog.

(1) Fears, Anxieties, Challenges

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  • My dreams are much greater than my fears
  • I move through each day with power and purpose
  • I am true to my own path
  • As I challenge my fears, I am strengthened and empowered
  • Fear is nothing more than emotion I allow myself to feel
  • I am fearless in all that I do
  • I am now free from all fear and worry
  • My faith in God lifts me high above any fear
  • I breathe in confidence and breathe out all fear
  • All of my problems have a solution and I entrust them to God
  • I seek a new way of thinking about this situation
  • I refuse to give up because I haven’t tried all possible solutions and God is on my side

(2) Dreams and Creativity

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  • I know that I have the knowledge and resources to achieve my dreams
  • My imagination and power are limitless
  • Nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams
  • I express my creativity by allowing my imagination to flow
  • My creativity is a true expression of who I am
  • I follow my dreams no matter what
  • I am graced by God with the creative energy to live my real mission and purpose
  • Being positive improves my creativity
  • Creative inspiration follows me where I go
  • I am an unlimited creative being
  • I am full of infinite creative energy

(3) Purpose

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  • As I follow my heart, I discover my destiny
  • Every day I understand my purpose with greater clarity
  • I am creating a life of passion and purpose
  • I honour my vision and purpose and God through the completion of my goals
  • I live my own truth, and God’s, every day
  • Where I am right now is exactly where I should be
  • I move through each and every day with power and purpose

(4) Habits

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  • I am the master of my habits
  • I release all habits that are disempowering
  • All my actions are in perfect harmony with my purpose
  • I only get hooked on empowering habits
  • My willpower is stronger than any habit
  • I hold the power of change in my mind
  • I have incredible self-control
  • I gratefully let go of old, limiting behaviours
  • Week by week I am changing my habits for the better

(5) Motivation and Goals

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  • Today I will take one step toward my dreams
  • My mind is clear, focused, and energised
  • Giving up is easy and always an option – let’s delay for another day
  • Action is the energy that translates my thoughts into reality
  • When I follow my plan, positive things happen
  • I know where I want to go and I have a plan to get there
  • I am willing to step outside my comfort zone to accomplish the goals I set for myself
  • I possess the wisdom, the power, the motivation, the inspiration and the passion to accomplish anything and everything I choose
  • Today I take firm action toward my goals

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*All credit to these affirmations go to Rachel Gadiel, and her post ‘50 Positive Affirmations for Goal-Getters‘, except the text in italics was added by myself, to further align these statements with my personal beliefs.

I hope these are as inspiring for you as they are for me – maybe you guys would like to get creative and write up some of your own funky, empowering affirmations! I definitely encourage you to.

Yours in love and creative flux,

Mariela xxxx

i know i know i know that i’ve said so many times in the past how i was becoming malleable to change; that the stiff metal of my existence was slowly becoming more flexible but it was so minimal — it was so much language and yearning and pangs for achieving more than i was but ultimately mostly fruitless

but these past few days – maybe even this past week – i’m feeling everything and it feels right. it’s slow — it’s so so slow, but i’m different.

i’m intangible;; constantly changing, i’m water and i’m flux and i’m fluidity rolling as an expression of holy Light and Love.

i’m coming to accept that my sadness is as much a part of me as my happiness is :: there have been so many times in the last few years of my life that i wished so desperately to unbecome :— to surrender to depths of a ‘deep cathedral where i cannot breathe/no need to pray no need to speak’ / to not exist / to be unhistoric. but now the darkness is so important so so important          it has become a hollowness;placenta, womb; and i am able to let my feelings roll over me”waves on an ocean and i am submerged                             yet          i am not weighed down by my sadness or by the scary wish for death and nothingness—- who i am floats in the vacuum that sits between my sternum and my oesophagus and who i am is both lightness and darkness ’ neither inherently good nor bad::: it just is.

i just exist.

my rate of change is slow;slow;slow it almost feels like it isn’t happening but itis and for the first time i can feel it and it’s pace is water droplets cutting through ancientsacredholy stone and it’s happening because of the Creator and it feels right that it’s this slow. because everything is temporary

what is seen is temporary // but // what is unseen is eternal

it doesn’t matter that i eat this or i don’t or i exercise or i don’t or i read this many books or i don’t one day to the next because it’s flux it’s fluid it’s irrelevant because there is an eternity waiting for me and it doesn’t rely on anything that i do accept that i have deep, consuming faith and love.

make me a vessel of Love and Light i let go and let God clothe me in the Spirit let me flow through this life and into the next ——- accepting and water and peace and gentleness and softness and bravery in You and water and water and floating in the water of this cosmos 

1 December 14 // New Beginnings

Slightly cliché, somewhat fortuitous: today marks a new beginning. In the past few weeks, some unbalanced moonbeam inside of me leaked and was causing all sorts of messes and chaos inside my mind and body (I’m not trying to excuse my absence, but I feel that an attempted explanation would not go astray). Somehow, the fact that the First of December has coincided with a Monday has meant that the various spider-silks making up the different aspects of my life have been woven together and the moon-leak has been set right.

Namely, I was struggling with finding inspiration and motivation to:
Physically: go to sleep and wake up early, stretch, exercise for more than 30 minutes a day more than 4 times a week, eat as well as my body deserves, challenge myself.
Mentally and Creatively: read as much as I had promised myself I would, find the joy in days that were difficult, keep up with friends, challenge myself to create more art and more writing, clarify where I am and where I am heading at this point in my life.

Over the next few weeks, I hope to be sharing my goal-setting strategies with you, as well as some of my specific goals and projects that will hopefully arise as a result thereof.

In the meantime, I have read a few books recently that I will list below, with a few words on their content and my opinion on them!

The English Patient, Michael Ondaatje: After having read In the Skin of a Lion for my HSC English Advanced Course (Module B) and falling in the deepest oceans of love for Ondaatje’s prose, I had very high expectations for TEP, especially given its rave reviews. Whilst still beautifully written, and I do really recommend reading it, I don’t feel that TEP captured my breath the same way ITSOAL did; I didn’t find it quite as convicting; it didn’t require so much of an emotional input from me.

Nefertiti, Michelle Moran: A bit slow to begin with, this piece of historic fiction paints a different image of Nefertiti than I had in my head – but still just as powerful. I do have a deeper interest in Ancient Egypt than perhaps a ‘normal’ (what is that, though?) teenager, but it really is a page turner! I stayed up until 12:30am to finish it!

Memoirs of A Geisha, Arthur Golden: Another winner. Also a little bit slow to begin (especially considering I had no knowledge of what this historical novel was really about/where it would be leading me), MoAG was a thrilling read for me; and as it picks up speed, you really get carried along with it; finding yourself connected to certain characters without even realising it!

See you very soon, loves xxx

Birthname

Sometimes I wonder why I am such a paradox of a being;
why I am temperamental and constantly seeking change.

My name has two meanings. In Hebrew,
I am a sea of bitterness; I constantly ebb and flow,
casting others aside, picking them up in my salt
water in which nothing can grow.

In Latin, I am
the star
of the sea.
I am light; I pulse out to other floating creatures
inhabiting the same turquoise waves
as I // I tendril out rays of beams of streams of
light.

I was born for naladovy.
I was born into
waves and tides and seasons and moon-pulls.

I will constantly be
aqueous
between the two parts of me that are
both half
both whole
of who I am.

Accepting this
fluidity
will heal me.